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Attack Attack: Someday came suddenly

04/12/09 || InquisitorGeneralis

Boy oh boy, IG is going to cum suddenly all over this piece of shitcore’s pimply face! My motivation for this new slice of pure hatred? One of my high-school students was wearing a seriously pussified-looking shirt for this band: it had large amount of pink in it and it smelled of Hot Topic. Like any good teacher I immediately began making fun of this little emo fruit (I am sure I am target number one when this loser brings an assault rifle to school) and preaching to him about trve metal… specifically Necrophagist. He responded that Attack Craptack is not just metal, or even hardcore for that matter.

It’s crabcore.

Are you fucking serious? Crabcore. After laughing at this misguided teenager for several minutes I managed to ask what exactly constitutes “crabcore”? Apparently, it is not because of lyrical themes relating to epic battles at the seafood buffet. Oh no, “crabcore” gets its name from the crablike stance the douchebags in the band stand in whilst playing this sad sack bullshit. Oh, believe you me besides all of this genre-definition bullshit there is some seriously horrible music going on here, more on that in a minute.

When I hear the word “crabcore”, I think of something like this…

Badassmuthfuckencrab

Now that crab is hardcore, cigarettes kill and he doesn’t even give a fuck. That is one hard-shelled hardass! Keep on puffin’ Crusty, you deserve a good smoke, because someone in the not-too-distant future will be dipping your guts in butter.

Ok, on to the tunes… unfortunately. Usually I can be creative when critiquing music I do not like. Not this time dominators. “Someday Came Suddenly” just plain S-U-C-K-S sucks. The vocals alternate between whiny screamo filth and even worse sounding clean garbage: the worst of both worlds. Don’t believe me, if you can last 37 seconds into Stick Stickly you will hear what I am talking about…and you will suffer irreversible damage to your ear canal. The keyboard and synthesizer parts only help further this as one of the worst songs ever fucking made. Seriously, the stuff is heinous. There is even a techno section which is followed up by more emo-clean singing.

Techno! That’s right: techno.

Attack Attack! is fucking horrible and should not be listened to by anyone or any crustacean above or below sea level. “Someday Came Suddenly” makes me want to hit babies with nunchucks. There is not one single redeeming song on here and as sure as the sun sets this piece of shit (which I downloaded) will be completely erased by the time this review goes. It all sucks: the vocals, the predictably lame guitars, and the derivative core-style drumming. If you are a clueless fourteen year old who wears skinny jeans and a headband (see the aforementioned little fucker above) then this garbage is right up your alley… and anus.

How about more filth? Listen to “Bro, Ashley’s here”. Just reading the song title makes me laugh and/or cry… I just don’t know anymore. Considering these guys look and sound like 5th grader it is no surprise they give a shout out to pro-wrestling with “The people’s elbow”. I would like to think that this is a joke in the style of that “I’m on a boat” song but sadly I think Attack Attack is trying to be serious. “Party foul”? Fellas, this whole album is a party foul and could ruin Crisco night at the Playboy Mansion.

Please, please for the love of God don’t buy this garbage. The music is so cookie-cutter and unoriginal it is pathetic… and I mean that in all seriousness. Attack Attack look like pop-culture, Hot Topic loving emo douchebags… and (totally judging a book by its cover here) they make crabtastic garbage music like pop-culture, Hot Topic Loving emo douchebags. Someone tell a Jihadist that these guys pissed on a picture of Mohammed or something… Attack Attack have to go.

Information
Released: 2008
Label: Rise Records
Website: Attack Attack MySpace
Band
Austin “cock in my throat” Carlile: screamed vocals
Johnny “should be treated like Anne” Franck: rhythm guitar, clean vocals
Andrew “nerdy in the extreme, whiter than sour cream” Whiting: lead guitar
John “holycrappoIsucko” Holgado: bass
Caleb “homo” Shomo: synths/keys, growls
Andrew “likes a cock” Wetzel: drums

Tracklist
01. Hot Grills and High Tops
02. Stick Stickly
03. Bro, Ashley’s Here
04. Shred, White & Blue
05. Party Foul
06. What Happens If I Can’t Check My MySpace When We Get There?
07. Interlude
08. The People’s Elbow
09. Kickin’ Wing, Animal Doctor
10. Dr. Shavargo Pt. 3
11. Catfish Soup
12. Outro

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